I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
