I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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