you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you didnt know i had herpes?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Randomize
