Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
