I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
