The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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