Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
