Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
