Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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