last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
