My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
