why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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