you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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