If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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