He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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