The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
