I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
