Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
