my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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