Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
