i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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