I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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