Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
