did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
