so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
