pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
