Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
