Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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