I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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