i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
we should paint friendship bongs
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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