Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
