How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
