my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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