My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
