okay pat passed out under dana's car
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
