Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
