from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
