I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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