Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
