I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
