Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just found puke in my bra..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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