You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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