we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We were destined to go to rehab together
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
