Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
