The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
