so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
