Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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