Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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