im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
