my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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